My Year of Barbie Boobs

Last year at this time I wrote an email to close friends sharing with them that I was going to have new breasts for my birthday.

That happened.

3 months later drains were pulled, bruising settled, incision puffiness calmed, right side hematoma had managed, and I could grasp what living with these bags of saline would entail.

Not for me.

After a year together I know I am not a fan of these foreign objects in my body. So the question in front of me was whether I should ride out the 10-15 year life span of implants or have surgery as soon as possible.

Well Corinna, make a pro/con list. Thanks Dad.

So I made a pro/con list:

Pro: I never have to wear a bra. They do not sag (nor do I have nipples I need to disguise). It is like I am 16 again.

Con: I never have to wear a bra. It always looks as though I am wearing the most heavily padded construction always because they don’t bounce or move. I look like a mannequin.

Pro: I can wear that low cut shirt that never fit me properly.

Con: Okay, I did that. I am not wearing that shirt everyday.

Pro: I look like Barbie.

Con: I look like Barbie - she didn’t have nipples either.

Pro: Ummmmm…

Con: When I am gardening, doing yoga, or lying on my belly - they are in the way - poking at me, sore in places that confuse.

I have no skin sensation where they are.

Hugging people feels like I am attacking them with my torpedo tatas.

When I scratch my body I can’t reach the itch under the bags.

Every time I see myself naked in a mirror I get angry at how foreign they look and I recite the prayer to my body: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

Lots of Cons…

Fairly straightforward - off they go. And while they are in there I am going to ask them to remove my port.

Interestingly, I found this recently - something I had written on January 5 of this year….

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“I don’t know why, but my port incisions and the whole area feels really painful. I don’t remember ports being so painful.”

My husband looked up from his book, “I am sorry. Did they disturb the scar tissue from your other ones?”

“Yup, the Radiologist just reused the same incision scars from the other three.” I can’t fucking believe I have had four ports put in for chemo. What the fuck.

“Ah, that is why. Reopening scar tissue is really painful.”

Reopening scar tissue is really painful. Oh my GOSH! That is it!

That is it. Reopening physical scar tissue is painful. So it makes total sense to me that reopening emotional scar tissue is equally painful.

Here I am again. Ripping open old emotional and physical scars and getting the same homework from a therapist that I did a few years ago. Corinna, if these are my last six months to live, how would I chose to live?

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How nice to reread this almost 10 months later. Drumming and excited about life.

So, how would I chose to live? My life vision has not changed: to love, be curious, identify my Cranky Monster, and be brave enough to speak from and for The Good.

From now on all of the above and living flat.