How to prepare for a Bone Marrow Transplant

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Well, really, how do I prepare for a Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT for those of us steeped in this world.)

First, I made a list.

Hold it, back up, first I had to make the decision.

A decision that doctors have been telling me for 14 years is the next step in the standard of care. “Corinna, the Bone Marrow Transplant with your bone marrow bought us some time, but the only way to cure you of this disease is to use someone else’s bone marrow. Your sister is a perfect match!”

Every time this conversation arose I would immediately freeze and start sweating. A memory of being at the University of Michigan and the very nice md drawing a series of pictures for me of what happens during BMT. Accompanying his stick figures and arrows on the page was a soundtrack that, to my memory, went something like this. “In 25-40% of the cases you die from the graft vs host. But you need some graft vs host. And then in 10-15 years there are a bunch of secondary cancers that arise from the strong chemotherapy….” So I had always said no.

Until this spring when I seriously began to contemplate what I had been saying no to. A cure? Not playing wack-a-mole every 2-3 years? No more weird side effects of the disease that drove me crazy for months?

And I took at look at my memory of the BMT description. Death percentages certainly suck, but that hasn’t stopped me from driving my car, flying on an airplane, or making my own applesauce. (We all know that canning is a killer.)

Once my heart and spirit began to unravel my pushback against this offer and started leaning into a different direction my brain kicked in. But not before my heart and spirit reframed the conversation and the memory.

Instead of looking at statistics that have nothing to do with me (which part of me would be the 25% that would die? my left toe and my right ear?) I am choosing to only look at this as a rebirthing experience. I am literally going to be receiving DNA from another human (not my sister, her stint with the oncology world crossed her off that list) to rebuild my blood, lymphatic system, liquid innards, all of it. Aside from being a miracle of modern amazingness, it is a very tangible handshake with a stranger that will alter my DNA. My immune system will belong to someone else who is also me. It is like an oil change on a whole new level.

So, how the hell do you prepare to leave your family for 6 weeks when you homeschool and your partner works a fairly rigid schedule? Well, you make a list.

A long list.*

These items have been either practically important for me to set other’s up for success or spiritually/emotionally important for me to clear the decks as part of the rebirthing ceremony. Ahem (just in case you find this amusing and/or ever find yourself in this position.)

  • Schedule a trip to Peru to do plant medicine to prepare the body and spirit for time in a Western Hospital.

  • Be more consistent about writing letters to my children (just in case that left toe and right ear get me).

  • Do the Fists of Anger meditation* every morning to keep on top of the WHAT THE FUCK! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS! WHY ME! THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS! All of that good energy stuck at the bottom of my lungs. Out you go.

  • Start teaching 2nd grade in June so that the eldest will not lose out on too much learning time in the winter when I am elsewhere. Thank the stars that homeschooling allows that kind of flexibility. Thank the Universe the 2nd grade curricula is not AP chemistry and fairly manageable.

  • Go through every closet in my house and consolidate all of the pencil erasers and pencil sharpeners into one place. Realize we own 5 pencil sharpeners and too many pens.

  • Organize and purge all of the stamps/coins/linen/books/silverware/plates/pressed glass/pictures that don’t give me joy.**

  • Take a good look around the house and realize that I don’t want to eat dinner on the folding chairs that were a gift for our wedding because the wooden ones from Grandmother Butcher were covered in lead paint and we are still feeding Dragon cilantro oil every night to get his lead level to a reasonable level nor do I want to sit on the couch that my parents had in DC and that I found uncomfortable when I was 12.

  • Buy real furniture and feel amazing and excited about purchasing new furniture for the 3rd time in my adult life.

  • Nor do I want to snuggle with four humans in a small bed anymore on the weekend.

  • Find a new king sized bed and mattress that is not a hot bed of toxic chemicals.

  • Move my mother off our land to assisted living.

  • Empty all of the food pantries because we have a pantry moth infestation that takes a month of our food living on the porch until we can bring it back. (this was an add on to the list from left field)

  • Clean out the cottage my parents lived in and organize for visitors/other potentials.

  • Color code an excel spreadsheet of the weekly activities so that everyone knows where the children need to be when, with whom, and contact information of such.

  • Find colorful fabric for the walls, music, good meditations (thank you Joe Dispenza), silk pajamas, and soft sweaters to bring with me to the hospital so that I know it is my rebirthing room/spa space.

  • Put the pantry back together so we can find the nuts/nutritional yeast/applesauce/rice.

  • Savor every moment with my children before they won’t be able to visit me. Record myself reading stories, playing the piano, singing so they can listen to my voice when I am in elsewhere.

  • Go to Peru, come home.

  • Make a sign telling people “Welcome to my spa rebirthing room” for the hospital room.

  • Get large poster board Post-its to have my rebirthing vision narrative written on the walls.

  • Bring with me all of the letters sent to me as part of Amma’s Circle of Love program. Organize so I can hang them from the walls and see them daily. Ask my friends for real letters to add to the wall of support.

  • Notice every time I am struck with a feeling of “last meal.” Recognize that intensity is the marrow of life. As I have a smoothie on a Friday and my brain tells me “you have now three more Fridays before you are in the hospital” – that sweet sharp ping is the glorious and the awful of life. Balancing on the edge of the coin – one side death (we could die at any moment) and the other side life (The beauty and glory of wind. Love Chocolate. Laughter. Sneezes.).

  • Take a deep breath, pat myself on the back, and enjoy the adventure.

And here we are. I was diagnosed with all of this during my 30th birthday month. Here we are gearing up right after my 45th birthday month.

Happy Re-birthing time to me!

 * I like this video because she has a good cheerleader energy and a fun accent, but I think it is easier to really get into the depths of this meditation if you are sitting on your knees. The longest 3 minutes of your life and the most powerful.

** These are items that have been sitting in the back of my consciousness for a long time. Ah yes, Dad’s coin collection/old pictures/extra linen. Throw it in the back of the closet until next summer/year/winter. One could argue that doing all of this was just a form of a nudge to get things done that I have been ignoring for a while. Hence it falls squarely into the procrastinator’s dilemma talking about by Tim Urban – what are we waiting for in this precious life?