Letter to my children: Abandonment

Recently Dragon and I were having dinner together. The robins perched on the woodpile. Chipmunks ran along the top of the raised beds. The wind flickered the leaves.

Dragon turned to me, “Momma, will you ever abandon me?”

Holy shit, Corinna, you and your sense of humor. That joke is most definitely blowing up in your face.

“Oh my goodness, no, dearest Dragon. Momma would never abandon you.”

Very serious eyes pierced mine. “But how to do you KNOW?”

Oh my love. Momma’s silly joke - asking you when I would move to the kitchen for dishes or whatnot and leaving you to finish your meal at the dining room table, “Dragon, do you feel abandoned?” In my mind it was obvious you were not abandoned because you were literally 15 feet away from me and I was talking to you as I bustled about the kitchen, your sister sitting on the couch… we were just giving you space to finish your meal without “distractions” as you put it.

“Momma, I can’t eat, I am too distracted!” So we would leave you at the table and I would make that terrible joke. For the first few months you would say, “no” and keep on eating. Then you started saying yes after you asked me what the word meant.

CORINNA, now Dragon is worried about being ABANDONED!!

I took a deep breath.

“My dearest, when children are abandoned they are left all alone without anyone to take care of them. No one to feed them or make sure they are warm and clothed. Momma and Dada would never do that.”

“What happens when a child is abandoned?”

“Well, a very small child that is abandoned would die. Older children might be able to figure out how to take care of themselves. Adults who are abandoned might just have their hearts die a bit. I think that everyone who is truly abandoned might have very angry and sad Cranky Monsters.”

“But you would never do that to me?”

“No, my dearest. Never.”

Oh Shit, I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to my children. What if? My belly twitched as it contemplated a potential future of sober oncologists instead of jubilant oncologists. Corinna, don’t feed that. Just answer his question without lying to him.

“Dragon, there are two different kinds of abandonment. There is the abandonment that can happen on purpose when a child is left out to die or when people abandon a ship because it is sinking. Then there is the abandonment that can happen by accident.”

“By accident?” So serious you were.

“Well, perhaps the parent’s have an accident where they are hit by a bus, or there is a war that happens, or a disaster strikes and children might feel abandoned but in reality the parents did the best they could. It wasn’t done on purpose. Most think people think of abandon as an action that happens on purpose. But many people who feel abandoned might not realize that it was not done on purpose, it was just an accident.”

Blue eyes stared into mine.

And here is where you add ballast.

“The glorious thing my beloved is that The Good is in charge of the unfolding of this glorious world. Even though we may think feeling abandoned is a bad thing - that may be because we don’t understand the reason. It might just be our Cranky Monsters telling us that our life is terrible when in fact it is an opportunity to grow and become a stronger person. A more Dragon-like Dragon, without fear.”

You looked at me and looked out the windows.

“Maybe people experience abandonment so they can ROAR more of themselves into the world.”

“Momma, look! A squirrel!”

Whew

Dearest Beloveds, who knows why Dragon asked me this question. But I do know this.

Even if I am hit by a bus, thrown out of a train, or sucked into an interplanetary vortex - I will never abandon you. When Baba died, he joined me in my early morning meditations - holding my hand. I am learning how to converse with my ovaries (Thank you WiseBodies!) Life is wonderful and amazing and love bridges all.

If I am ever not here physically and you wonder if you were beloved. You ARE beloved. Every time I think about Baba I give his hand a squeeze with my heart - and he squeezes me back.

Your fish and my fish swim together regardless of space, time, or matter. You are my children. I am your Momma. Always and forever.