Letter to my children: Adulting Time

“Why do you need to leave? You always leave!! It is not the same when you are not here.”

“Oh Bean.” I looked at you. Your eyes were wet, lip trembling. “Oh Bean.”

I get it. Momma being gone for 6 weeks almost a year ago is still reverberating for you.

I looked deep into your eyes and spoke. “Where does my fish live?”

You pointed at your heart.

“Yes. Right in your heart. And your fish lives in my heart. Every time you think of me it means that Momma is thinking of you too. What does it mean you are thinking of me?”

“It means I am thinking of you.”

“Yes, exactly. Imagine a golden chain connecting our two hearts and when you think of me it is like you are tugging on the chain to say, “hello Momma!” Then your heart feels the pull. Same thing when I think of you - the chain tugs on your heart.”

You took a deep breath, let it out, but then your lip wobbled - again. “I don’t like it when you leave!”

“Oh Bean, there are things Momma has to do sometimes as an adult that mean I need to go away.” How in the world do I explain the necessity of a bone marrow transplant and the requisite clean up for my emotional spiritual self once my body is stabilized? I just do it. “I have been wanting to do this meditation for over 10 years and the timing finally worked out.”

“Why couldn’t you have done it earlier? Before you had children?”

Cancer, cancer and more cancer. “Oh love, there seemed to be always something else going on. I know this is not ideal, I am sorry. I am both excited to go and super sad to go. I get it.” Wide wet eyes looked back at me. “Do you want me to give you a mantra to say every time you feel sad?”

“Yes please.”

I know this concept is pretty inconceivable to the both of you, but your parents were adults for years before you two showed up on the scene. Adults with hobbies and friends and adventures and responsibilities. We tell you stories about our lives before you two showed up - but stories are reflections of the adventure.

Sometimes the adulting adventure needs to continue both in order to make more stories to share with you and to feed your parent’s souls. For your Momma, this particular adventure started in 2006 when I started doing Transcendental Meditation and first learned about Yogic Flying.

A person using their mind to move their body breaks so many “rules.” If gravity is no longer absolute within our current grokking, what other “rules” of our three dimensional existence are out there to defy? The whole concept is incredibly thrilling.

Thrilling for me, yes. For you two, not so much.

I get it. When I came home once from school for a weekend I remember being shocked and appalled that Meme and Baba had dinner plans. How dare they not have an empty schedule to welcome me home and be with me! I was so upset.

But now, I get it. Adulting time is important for everyone. This is gently preparing you for adulthood - as I model this part of adulthood.

That being said, I think about you so so much when I am away. Sending my fish to your fish always. Always and always.

And always.