Letter to my children: Being in the Middle, Middle-Aged, or Sandwich Generation

Dearests Beloveds,

I hope very much when you are my age I am compos mentis enough to remember what it is like to be in the middle. If not, this is why your Momma is writing, and you are welcome. Feel free to throw it in my face and have me reread - I would be honored.

Middle-aged or Sandwich Generation - they all speak to the same thing. Taking care of the smalls while also taking care of one’s parents.

You two have no experience yet of the wide wilder world and Meme has a great deal of experience with the wide wildness of the world. It is this dichotomy of experience where things can become tricky.

I was recently holding Meme’s hand as the two of you walked in front of us on the river path watching for trains and collecting sparkly rocks.

“Corinna, your children are so cheerful and full of life. You are such a good mom. It is really wonderful to be with them.”

Does she say this because she has seen life and feels this way? Or because she knows my heart sings when she compliments me and them. “Oh, thanks Mom. It is wonderful to be with you for Bean’s birthday day.”

“Oh, is that today? How old is she again?”

Once again, I was reminded that her warm body next to me is not fully my mother anymore.

There is also disparate mental acuity as a dichotomy - her memory is going and you two are sharp as tacks. So we have conversations like this.

“Oh Bean, that sweater was a present from Meme. It is so sweet of you to wear it when we visit her. I don’t think she is going to remember that you gave it to her.”

“I know, but I wanted to do it anyway.”

In this instance Bean, you were the mature one - a poignant reversal of roles.

To watch a titan of my life be diminished and softened by memory issues is hard. My beloved children - no matter what our relationship is when you are my age - one’s parent is always a presence - embodied or with The Good.

There is another dichotomy that exists inside of me, the middle. Zingermans has this great rule called 80/20. 80% of the time you look forward and plan ahead and 20% of the time you focus on what happened in the past.

I want the two of you to follow the 80/20 rule when it comes to my dotage. Your father and I will do our best to plan for our aging years to allow you two to focus on the future. I want your priority to be your life, your family, your plans, your dreams. Parenting is an instance of paying it forward. My parenting you is to honor my parents parenting me. Please do not spend more energy on me than necessary. 80/20.

Obviously, things can happen from left field, and we might all end up in some cave living together. In which case, there is no electricity and you haven’t read this letter anyway.

HA