Unlike my last visit to John of God, where I was not present for any physical surgeries - this time I saw several of them (if you want to see videos, there are many available). I saw a woman lean against a wall, the Entity incorporated in Medium Joao bared her breast, did a 3 cm incision, used his hand to pump out blood (which splashed on the floor), stitched her up with a few sutures, and then she was wheeled away to lie down. There was no anesthesia, no Betadine to wash the skin prior to cutting, no gloves... just Blessed Water and the Entity. I could see the blood vessels and the thick skin, I could see ligaments and fat, it was awe-inspiriting.
I saw the woman a few days later in the garden drinking coconut juice from a coconut - right as rain.
A different woman's eyes was scraped with a knife, yet another had a long pair of clamps shoved into her nose and rotated around, a man was cut open much like the woman above - every single one of them stood against a wall with their eyes closed - no yelling, no screaming, no drama. Just standing on a stage with a room full of silent watchers who had just said the Lord's Prayer.
(speaking of which I really prefer the Lord's Prayer that has been translated directly from the Aramaic - as opposed to from the Aramaic to Greek to Latin to Old English to English - thank you Heather for putting this in your book)
[quote]O Cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration. Soften the ground of our being and carve out a space within us where Your presence can abide.
Fill us with your creativity so that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission.
Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desires.
Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share what each being needs to grow and flourish.
Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us, as we release others from the entanglements of past mistakes.
Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose, but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.
For you are the ground and the fruitful vision, the birth, power and fulfillment, as all is gathered and made whole once again.
AMEN[/quote]
In other words, my trip was incredible, amazing, awesome, wiggle making, loverly, and perfect.
The biggest shoe that dropped for me is that Faith is a choice. Just like courage, being cheerful, and not feeding Fear. Faith - choosing to know that a Universal Cosmic Consciousness/God loves us, watches over us, and wants us to be happy - is a choice. And as all choices - the more I practice the better I shall get at this.
The village of Abadiania sits onto of a large rock crystal - the moment I arrive, the whole body feels as though I have just had the best massage ~ and then the Entities start to work and WOWZA. I look forward to integrating what I learned, and I look forward to going back.
Here is the view out our apartment window. From this view I can walk to a stream/waterfall/several ponds, observe the frozen layer of ice with water bubbling beneath it, see tracks of deer (and other creatures), admire the shape of trees, count hundreds of stars, and see the path by moonlight. It is doubtful I will pass another person as I walk along with my dog. There are only several directions and roads to choose.
Here is the view to the view from my sister's apartment window (and yes that is Sear's Tower in the back left). From this view I can walk to power yoga, a multitude of eateries, groceries, malls, shops, the main post office, movie theaters, the lake, and parks. I will pass too many people to count - and if I am walking with my dog on Michigan Ave and a firetruck passes by our dog will stop, sit, and start howling in unison with the siren. There are blocks and blocks of choices and directions to choose.
It is time to see if our frozen eggs can make there own way in the world (as hilarious it is to send off checks for their daycare/nightcare/storage). As such I have been so lucky to be given recommendations from dear friends to talk to people in this world from all over the country (well, left and right coasts).
This is a small snapshot of what I have learned...
The only organization that seems to have ranked the MANY surrogacy agencies/fertility clinics out there is called Men Having Babies. You can check out their ranking on their website: MenHavingBabies.org. (caveat, the organization is based in New York City - so it is fairly NYC centric and they have not ranked everyone). The nice thing about this ranking is that you know the agencies/clinics are all LGBT friendly, which is important.
This was a fascinating lesson in the variation of State Laws - as a native Washingtonian, I didn't know what a Governor did till I was in college. For example, a Gestational Surrogate (GS) in California is not allowed (per her contract) to be in Arizona for the last trimester of her pregnancy - because, if the baby comes early, Arizona will keep the child and not give it to the Intended Parents (IP). In Florida it is illegal to pay someone to be a GS for you, ditto in NY. However - as this Surrogacy Central FAQ states, "Thanks to our United States Constitution, one may travel to any state in the United States and do anything that is legal in that state." I think that is one of the best sentences ever.
The legality arguments about surrogacy are fascinating. A lot of the people who fought the first court battles are still working today. The most striking sentence I found from my readings about how this has moved forward was from the Center for Surrogate Parenting, when talking about laws in CA in 1980: "Existing laws at the time were: ... (2) you can't sell a child - Emancipation Proclamation outlawed slavery in 1863 ... (4) Sperm Donor Act stated if a man produces sperm so that another man's wife can have a child, the donor has no liability and no right to declare the child's father; i.e., the surrogate's husband was deemed the father of any child she carries."
Some agencies have psychologists on staff, some do not.
Some agencies tell you that the GS's insurance will not pay for her pregnancy, some tell you it is not a problem (wonder if that is a question of which state the surrogate is in).
Most agencies want you to pay the retainer upfront before your find the surrogacy - I only spoke to one that did not.
Here is my one snarky learning that I hope perhaps some of the agencies can hear: When a heterosexual married woman is talking to a surrogacy agency it is safe to make the assumption that this is not her first choice of being a mother (unless she is super model and doesn't want to ruin her figure). As such, there is no reason to ask any questions along the lines of: "Why are you and your husband infertile?" Just take the facts (frozen embryos, wants to find a GS) and move on.
On that same vein, I found myself doing some really good cleansing of bottled emotions (that bottle that seems to be neverending). Tears, yelling, walks, meditations, talkings with friends - all good flushings in order for me to hug our future pregnant GS without reservation and throw a kick ass baby shower.
We will write up a vision for how we want this process to go when we are in Brazil with John of God. 5 weeks away!
A whirlwind 7 days in Germany to have an ultrasound with Dr. Herzog, sweat in the sauna, wander around Weihnachtsmarkt/Christmas markets, and meditate with John of God. It was very full and very wonderful - not least of which was the Ultrasound and Herzog's assertion that all is well (confirming what I had gleaned from the PET scan)
I am going to spend a moment reveling in gratitude for that news.
I am grateful for all of the people who supported me so I was able to spend 3 1/2 months in Germany. I am grateful for all of the people who do research in oncology and decide that certain medicines, treatments, dosages, radiation levels, therapeutic agents, cleansing routines, etc are better for me than others. I am grateful for the doctors, the nurses, the techs, the people who cleaned the floors of the clinics and the hospitals where I spent so much time this year. I am grateful for those who cooked for me.
I am grateful for those people who pack the needles, the bags, the saline solutions. I am grateful to those people who donate blood so that I was able to receive infusions and have enough red blood cells to walk up a hill without pausing every 5 feet. I am grateful my doctor here felt comfortable with me heading to Germany. I am grateful that we are once again in the monitoring stage of my physical doings.
I am grateful the gentleman across from me is using a green pen to write on his pad, I am grateful I am heading to a conference on farming for the rest of the week.
I am grateful for the timing of my most recent trip to Germany because Christmas markets are wonderful. I am grateful John of God was there with me.
I am grateful for my family, friends, Universe, friends I haven't met yet, and for the world of amazingness we spent our time floating in.
I am grateful grateful grateful.
Thank you Universe.
(Here is a wonderful poem by ee cummings about the infinite yes for you to peruse, as well.)
[quote]i thank You God for most this amazingday:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
e.e. cummings[/quote]
This poem brings tears - so gorgeous, especially the first two stanzas... "the gay great happening illimitably earth" - awesomesauce.
I took this picture as I flew back to the States from my whirlwind time in Germany as a great example of the great happening earth. On the plane I met a young lad (lad is such a fun word) who had never been to the States before (first time traveling solo as well) and was so nervous! It was such a treat to share with him that life is an adventure and that everything will work out beautifully.
Because it does. I thank you Universe for this most amazing day.
(the other picture was of sunrise that morning as we drove back into Frankfurt from our time with John of God)
A Course in Miracles is adamant about where sickness comes from...(lesson 136)
[quote]Sickness is a decision. It is not a thing that happens to you, quite unsought, which makes you weak and brings you suffering. It is a choice you make, a plan you lay, when for an instant truth arises in your own deluded mind, and all your world appears to totter and prepare to fall. Now are you sick, that truth may go away and threaten your establishments no more.
How do you think that sickness can succeed from shielding you from truth? Because it proves that the body is not separate from you, and so you must be separate from the truth. You suffer pain because the body does, and in this pain you are made one with it. Thus is your "true" identity preserved, and the strange, haunting thought that you might be something beyond this little pile of dust silenced and stilled. For see, this dust can make you suffer, twist your limbs and stop your heart, commanding you to die and cease to be.
Thus is the body stronger than the truth, which asks you to live, and cannot overcome your choice to die. And so the body is more powerful than everlasting life, Heaven more frail than hell, and God's design for the salvation of His Son opposed by a decision stronger than His Will. His Son is dust, the Father incomplete, and chaos sits in triumph on His throne.[/quote]
In summary, the reason why we, as progeny of God* and therefore God, become sick (and not just sick, but think we need food and water and air and warmth - every precept we have come up with that shores up the needs of the body and makes us focus on our fleshsuits) is to prove to ourselves that our body is more important than God. Our ego is that part of us born in the thought that we are separated from God. The needs of the body are what ego uses to perpetuate itself - as we focus on caring for bodily needs, we are feeding the ego ~ feeding the premise that we are separate from God. So what is the solution? (page 55)
[quote]The only sane solution is not to try to change reality, which is indeed a fearful attempt, but to accept it as it is. You are part of reality which stands unchanged beyond the reach of your ego but within easy reach of spirit. When you are afraid, be still and know that God is real, and you are His beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Do you let your ego dispute this, because the ego cannot know what is far beyond its reach as you are.
God is not the author of fear. You are. You have chosen to create unlike Him, and therefore made fear for yourself. You are not at peace because you are not fulfilling your function. God gave you a very lofty function that you are not meeting. Your ego has chosen to be afraid instead of meeting it.[/quote]
Okay, ACIM, what therefore is my function? My very lofty function?
This is the part that makes me wiggle (because perhaps you, like me, weren't really wiggling at the beginning of this piece), and here I will summarize (because the book says this often in many places).
Our function is to be happy, to forgive, to love, to express who we are, to rest in the TRUTH that we are God and therefore unassailable and can be ourselves. Our function is to be ourselves, knowing we are a spark of the Divine (and therefore Divine). Our function is to recognize there is no separation between us and our brothers/sisters who are also God. "Do onto others," because we are all the same, there is no other. (lesson 156)
[quote]...ideas leave not their source. If this be true, how can you be apart from God? How could you walk the world alone and separate from your Source?
Truth must be true throughout, if it be true. It cannot contradict itself, nor be in parts uncertain and in others sure. You cannot walk the world apart from God, because you could be without Him. He is what your life is. Where you are He is. There is one life. That life you share with Him. Nothing can be apart from him and life.
The light in you is what the universe longs to belong. All living things are still before you, for they recognize Who walks with you. The light you carry is their own. And thus they see in you their holiness, seeing you as savior and as God.
This is the way salvation works. As you step back [as in "you" the ego "you"- cb], the light in you steps forward and encompasses the world. It heralds not the end of sin in punishment and death. In lightness and in laughter is sin gone, because its quaint absurdity is seen. It is a foolish thought, a silly dream, not frightening, ridiculous perhaps, but who would want to waste an instant in approach to God Himself for such a senseless whim?[/quote]
This reminds me of when I was teaching. My first year I was eaten alive by the students on my classroom management skills because I hadn't yet grokked that a perfectly good answer to a question from a 12 year old is "Because I said so." It was only once I was able to fully embrace my role as an adult and therefore the undisputed winner in any powerplay that fights stopped happening in the class. The kids needed an adult to reign in their more rambunctious tendencies.
The same way I imagine egos - running around, creating problems, fidgeting over this and fidgeting over that - while the infinite patience of God waits for us to realize that we are the adults in the classroom, not the confused children.
So here we have it from A Course in Miracles, "in lightness and laughter is sin gone," which brings me to Abraham (a phalange of entities who come in via Esther Hicks). Abraham tells us (pg 44-45 from Ask and It Is Given_)
[quote]Your emotions indicate the degree of your alignment with Source. Although you can never achieve such a complete misalignment with Source that you disconnect from it altogether, the thoughts that you choose to give your attention to do give you a substantial range in alignment or misalignment with the Non-Physical Energy that is truly who you are. And so, with time and practice, you will come to know, in every moment, your degree of alignment with who you really are, for when you are in full allowance of the Energy of your Source, you thrive, and to the degree that you do not allow this alignment, you do not thrive.
You are empowered Beings; you are utterly free to create_, and when you know that, and are focused on things that are in vibrational harmony with that, you feel absolute joy. But when you think thoughts that are contrary to that truth, you feel the opposite emotions of disempowerment and bondage.
When you think a thought that rings true with who you really are, you feel harmony coursing through your physical body: Joy, love, and a sense of freedom are examples of that alignment. And when you think thoughts that do _not _ring true with who you really are, you feel the disharmony in your physical body. Depression, fear, and feelings of bondage are examples of that misalignment.
...you create by molding Energy. You mold it through your power of focus - by thinking about things, remembering things, and imagining things. You focus the Energy when you speak, when you write, when you listen, when you are silent, when you remember, and when you imagine - you focus it through the projection of thought.[/quote]
Abraham has a lot of tapes and whatnot one can explore where people tap into specific concerns (love, money, weight lose, etc). From my perspective the crux of the whole matter is whether or not I feel happy. If thinking, talking, writing about something makes me upset or sad - it means I am deliberately removing myself from the deluge of happiness from Source.
(This does not of course include crying when one feels the need to cry, or yelling to flush out the emotion so it doesn’t get stored in the cells to bite your grandchildren in the karmic bottom.)
I was accused recently of being in denial and ignoring reality (“walking into walls†was the phrase).
I think it all depends on which reality one is talking about. Do I deny I am a body and this physical realm is our reality? Yes. Do I deny that I am a Daughter of She - that most amazing Cosmic Consciousness that created and loves all of us? Nope. Does that mean I ignore the body? Nope, I send it love - capital L LOVE from the Big Banana - trusting that the Universe is a better bus driver than I am. Love to all of the wonderful parts of it that are working beautifully and trust that the rest will work out.
I am finding the more I focus on the flow of well-being, love, fun, happiness, and joy the more of that I am seeing. The Goddess is surrounding me with her love and therefore I can send that out into my life and the life of others. My "reality" is changing based on what I am focusing on and that is awesomesauce.
My final thinking thought for this morning is this - don't get stuck in the waiting place, you are powerful enough to accomplish your dreams, you are God (as Dr. Seuss says...)
*Spirit/Atman/Cosmic Consciousness/the Big Banana/Source/Essence/etc
This falls squarely into the Miracle category - because I spent the whole time meditating and talking to Source/Essence/God/Cosmic Consciousness - whatever you want to call her and however you want to visualize him - that works for me.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious seems as good a word as any for mind-blowing, amazing, incredible, life-changing, awe-inspiring, peaceful, exciting, loverly, happy-making, faith-inducing, awesomesauce two weeks that I had in Brazil with John of God.
I am still grokking all of the good things that are filtering down as I stand here in absolute Faith that all is well (something that I had received glimpses of prior to going and that I am currently swimming in). As I shared with a friend of mine, I am surfing on a wave of Joy!
"You know Corinna, that joy never has to end. You could ride that wave FOREVER!"
So that is my plan. I am going to work on riding this wave forever. Set my intention to be filled with love and light and love. Did I mention love? Here are some pictures from my time down there. I would have a video from John of God doing surgeries, but I was in the current room, bathed in bliss (and you can find those very easily on YouTube).
We arrived to Brasilia, visiting a peace temple before arriving to Abadiania.
Our pousada was very heavily barricaded, one had to be buzzed in to gain access to the hammocks and the parrots in the garden.
(and yes, everyone wears white when you go in front of the Entity - it allows them to read your vibrations more easily)
The Casa is blue and white, peaceful, relaxing, beautiful, full of light and love and love. (Did I mention love?). It is bumping Wednesday through Friday, when the Entity is present. Otherwise it is mostly quiet ... mostly.
Every Wednesday through Friday many people gather in the great hall to be seen by the Entity - people from all ALL over the world. I am once again so grateful that English is my first language - everything at the Casa happened in Portuguese and English.
Here is our group with Medium Joao, after two weeks of bliss.
Thank you thank you thank you!!
I am filled with peace, love, excitement, faith, hope, compassion, anticipation, learnings, and miracles - Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!
I have seen John of God twice at Omega in Rhinebeck. He is not coming this year, so Mohammad is coming to the mountain. When I was in Germany one of the fabulous people I met there had a video of him and was making noises about a trip to see him. I became re-invigorated and took my own plunge to make the arrangements to join a group heading down (or up, depending on what side of the equator you are on...).
I have packed just white (because it was early and I didn't want to think too much), I am not bringing plugs for phones, or wireless, or computers, or the kindle... I am bringing A Course in Miracles, a notebook, my mala beads, (perhaps a small camera so I can record what happens on these pages), and me.
as well as a great deal of anticipation...
(Considering that I could barely talk for a week after I saw him last - which is a big feat for me - I can only imagine what swimming in this bliss for 10 whole days is going to do to me. Or rather, what I am going to co-create to allow to happen to me. Cheers to cleansing and clearing and healing and yippie!!)
As I spoke about in my book, I try not to feed the wrong wolf (when I am conscious enough to recognize what is going on). However, it is nice to know what is going on with the world. So I am torn because politics makes me CRAZY! I can feel my heart rate rise, my blood pressure spike, my parasympathic nervous system shut down...and for what?
I have been trying very hard to implement a day where nothing is planned. A true day of sabbath, rest, rejuvenation, ability to play, or roll with what sings to you. As Eckart Tolle says - if life is the dancer and we (each one of us in our uniqueness of being ourselves - ie in my Corinna-ness as Corinna) are the dance - a day of rest allows us to fully honor the spontaneity of what our hearts and bellies might want to tell us to do.
I tell you, we have been able to pull off two true Sabbath Sundays in the last 5 weeks. TWO out of five is not very good odds. It could be that I do not have a community that functions around such a day. If I were an orthodox jew this would be part of my culture and there would be support and honoring of such a day (I love Anne-Marie Slaughter's take on this). But as it is, because we wake up so early the weekend is often the only time to plan outings with new friends - so what are you left with, not seeing someone for three weeks because your Sunday is supposed to be sacrosanct? Hence the 2 out of 5.
But darn it, I am committed to this idea and want to make it a habit. One true day of naps and walks and wanderings and belly buttons listenings.
The platelet count and Dr. Herzog agreed, Â 6 cycles of the modified BEACOPP were all that my bone marrow was going to stomach (I hope platelets have stomachs, that would make me very happy). As such, I flew home, had another PET scan (which showed just one spot which we will radiate), met with all sorts of MDs, had my infected port removed, blah blah data data.
It is nice to be home, it is nice to be able to cook what I want when I want to, it is nice to sleep in my own bed, scratch my own kitty, kiss my husband's nose.
I will miss the sauna, the amazing peeps I met from all over the world, the kindness of the nurses and the MDs, and the relaxed attitude the clinic held towards certain things (like eating salad while severely neutropenic). Aufedersein Bad Salzhausen.
I spent 92 days in Germany (two days thankfully were not counted by the German government - otherwise I would have overstayed my visa and Germany may have gotten annoyed).
I am working on our new life in New York - get the house built, planning what kind of animals (chickens and ducks AND goats?) and planting and growing goodies again...I miss having a garden.
As a very wise woman told me - "If you stop planning you are surrendering." - not an option. So, planning I am.
A beautiful dear friend of mine (you can read her blog!) shared with me this quote from Gilda Radner - it is the perfect pause at the end of this particular chapter.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
Thank you for being with me on this story of mine. Delicious Ambiguity indeed.
Corinna Borden Hill Parker
Corinna, Herself
My life vision is to love, be curious, identify my Cranky Monster, and be brave enough to speak from and for The Good.
Unlike my last visit to John of God, where I was not present for any physical surgeries - this time I saw several of them (if you want to see videos, there are many available). I saw a woman lean against a wall, the Entity incorporated in Medium Joao bared her breast, did a 3 cm incision, used his hand to pump out blood (which splashed on the floor), stitched her up with a few sutures, and then she was wheeled away to lie down. There was no anesthesia, no Betadine to wash the skin prior to cutting, no gloves... just Blessed Water and the Entity. I could see the blood vessels and the thick skin, I could see ligaments and fat, it was awe-inspiriting.
I saw the woman a few days later in the garden drinking coconut juice from a coconut - right as rain.
In other words, my trip was incredible, amazing, awesome, wiggle making, loverly, and perfect.
