Grateful

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A whirlwind 7 days in Germany to have an ultrasound with Dr. Herzog, sweat in the sauna, wander around Weihnachtsmarkt/Christmas markets, and meditate with John of God. It was very full and very wonderful - not least of which was the Ultrasound and Herzog's assertion that all is well (confirming what I had gleaned from the PET scan)

I am going to spend a moment reveling in gratitude for that news.

I am grateful for all of the people who supported me so I was able to spend 3 1/2 months in Germany. I am grateful for all of the people who do research in oncology and decide that certain medicines, treatments, dosages, radiation levels, therapeutic agents, cleansing routines, etc are better for me than others. I am grateful for the doctors, the nurses, the techs, the people who cleaned the floors of the clinics and the hospitals where I spent so much time this year. I am grateful for those who cooked for me.

I am grateful for those people who pack the needles, the bags, the saline solutions. I am grateful to those people who donate blood so that I was able to receive infusions and have enough red blood cells to walk up a hill without pausing every 5 feet. I am grateful my doctor here felt comfortable with me heading to Germany. I am grateful that we are once again in the monitoring stage of my physical doings.

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I am grateful the gentleman across from me is using a green pen to write on his pad, I am grateful I am heading to a conference on farming for the rest of the week. I am grateful for the timing of my most recent trip to Germany because Christmas markets are wonderful. I am grateful John of God was there with me.

I am grateful for my family, friends, Universe, friends I haven't met yet, and for the world of amazingness we spent our time floating in.

I am grateful grateful grateful.

Thank you Universe.

Cheers to e.e. cummings for distilling this feeling so beautifully.

e.e. cummings: i thank You God

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Aufedersein Bad Salzhausen

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The platelet count and Dr. Herzog agreed,  6 cycles of the modified BEACOPP were all that my bone marrow was going to stomach (I hope platelets have stomachs, that would make me very happy). As such, I flew home, had another PET scan (which showed just one spot which we will radiate), met with all sorts of MDs, had my infected port removed, blah blah data data.

It is nice to be home, it is nice to be able to cook what I want when I want to, it is nice to sleep in my own bed, scratch my own kitty, kiss my husband's nose.

I will miss the sauna, the amazing peeps I met from all over the world, the kindness of the nurses and the MDs, and the relaxed attitude the clinic held towards certain things (like eating salad while severely neutropenic). Aufedersein Bad Salzhausen.

I spent 92 days in Germany (two days thankfully were not counted by the German government - otherwise I would have overstayed my visa and Germany may have gotten annoyed).

I am working on our new life in New York - get the house built, planning what kind of animals (chickens and ducks AND goats?) and planting and growing goodies again...I miss having a garden.

As a very wise woman told me - "If you stop planning you are surrendering." - not an option. So, planning I am.

A beautiful dear friend of mine (you can read her blog!) shared with me this quote from Gilda Radner - it is the perfect pause at the end of this particular chapter.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Thank you for being with me on this story of mine. Delicious Ambiguity indeed.