Letter to my Children: On Saying I am Sorry and I Love you Rituals

Dearest Beloveds,

In the spirit of non-martyrdom I want to introduce this missive by sharing a quote from Swami Kripalu that I heard recently. “Every time you judge yourself you break your own heart.” Cheers to avoiding self-inflicted heartbreak!

Your Momma vividly remembers walking with my friend E when I was about 9/10 years old. We were both complaining about how unreasonable and difficult our mothers were. E turned to me and said, “I have found it helps if you apologize first.”

I remember trying it and being shocked by how effective it was to assuage conflicts with Meme - reducing both the intensity and the duration of whatever kerfuffle the two of us were tussling over.

I made myself a promise when I was that age I would not do the same to my children. I would not explode for whatever reason and then not clean up the mess.

So I apologize to you both.

Again and again and again - each time I get triggered and lose my mind.

I have read “parenting experts” who tell me that exploding and apologizing showcases taking responsibility for exploding. This means the two of you are learning that humans make mistakes and then we learn from/clean up those mistakes. I hope so.

I am also the one in our interactions whose brain is fully developed. As such, I am responsible for being the mature leader in terms of modeling proper behavior.

I want to judge myself and say that I shouldn’t ever explode. That I should have done by three breaths or vagal release or left the room or screamed in your butt or PAUSED.

It is so easy as a parent to fall into the self-blame and self judgement - but I am not going to feed that - no judging of myself - no broken heart - no thank you.

I have noticed as the two of you get older repairing my explosions seems to take longer and more creativity on my part.

Dr. Becky Bailey of Conscious Discipline talks about I Love you Rituals: “playful, one-on-one interactions that build loving bonds while increasing attention span, decreasing power struggles and promoting language and literacy at school or at home.”

When you were younger, I could apologize and then chase you around the kitchen counter playing tag. You are both too old for that now and almost on the cusp of being too old to accept tickles.

So I rethink what I can do to “build loving bonds” - in a relationship landscape stripped bare from your mother’s outburst or my saying no to ice cream for dessert.

Wrapping you in a blanket like you are a hot dog has shifted into throwing frisbees. Peek-a-boo has morphed into bike rides.* Singing with hand puppets has become Canasta and Gin Rummy.

One ritual is the same. I love reading to you both before bedtime - especially in the summer, when activities are not crowding into after school time. There seem to be more knees and elbows on the couch - but the laughter and shared gasps are the same.

I love being your Mom(ma). Thank you thank you.

*And cheering for Dragon with my heart in my throat as he balances!