Letter to Bean: The Self-Driven Child and Homework

Dearest Bean,

As the life popsicle of Meme’s brain slowly melts - certain calcified memories persevere. They form the popsicle stick in this metaphor.

One of Meme’s popsicle stick memories is about not being offered the choice to become a serious pianist. Apparently, Meme’s parents were told that Meme had sufficient innate piano ability to become a virtuoso if given the proper instruction. Meme’s parents declined, deciding they wanted her to have a “normal childhood” (whatever the hell that means). Meme did not know this opportunity existed until many many years later.

Even now, she can no longer remember the name of her sister, where she was born, what day it is, but the piano memory? Sharp and intact. “Corinna, I could have been a concert pianist! I would have loved that!! I could have been so good. I love music!”

This is a sideways introduction to my very obvious parenting lesson for the most recent Mercury Retrograde period.

You are not me, my beloved eldest child.

You are a different person who has your own life to lead, your own experiences to uncover, your own adventures to navigate.

I think back on my life to my adventures and they are all choices I made for me, including, very much so, the choice to become the momma. Then small babies arrived and my personal adventures were put on hold. My life revolved around your needs and your wants.

And all of those needs and wants turned me into a woman who spent several years constantly telling you and your brother what to do, “hold my hand when we cross the street/pick up the spoon on the floor please.”

What not to do, “don’t pull the dogs tail/don’t stand on the window sill/don’t kick your sister.”

What to eat, “you can’t have pizza and cheesy bread in one day, you need salad/yes, you may have nuts for snack/sure, let’s have popcorn for dinner as a treat.”

And being the main instigator and manager of your schedule.

We are reaching the point where, according to The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, there are three precepts to which it is now incombent upon me to adopt:

1. You are the expert on you.

2. You have a brain in your head.

3. You want your life to work.

In other words, here is the meaning behind us telling you “it’s your call.” (pg 57-58)

When it comes to making decisions about your kids’s lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding themselves. First, set boundaries within which you feel comfortable letting them maneuver. Then cede ground outside those boundaries…. If your child settles on a choice that isn’t crazy go with it, even if it is not what you would like him to do.

Or, as Chapter 4 (Encouraging Autonomy), of the wonderful parenting tome, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, describes:

Most of the books on child-rearing tell us that one of our most important goals as parents is to help our children separate from us, to help them become independent individuals who will one day be able to function on their own without us. We’re urged not to think of our children as little carbon copies of us or as extensions of ourselves but as unique human beings with different temperaments, different tastes, different feelings, different desires, different dreams.

Yet how are we are to help them become separate, independent persons? By allowing them to do things for themselves, by permitting them to wrestle with their own problems, by letting them learn from their own mistakes.

And then, you start public school.

Where there are nightly homework assignments.

And weekly spelling tests.

Where we had conversations like this, “Bean, you received a 7/16 on your first spelling test. Would you like us to show you how to study?”

I can’t BELIEVE this GRADE!

“My teacher says I only need to 3 exercises on the sheet - not the whole sheet.”

Yes, but that is the bare minimum. You can’t be a success in life if you settle for the bare minimum!

“Yes, I hear you.”

I took a breath.

Remember, this is her show.

“Okay, why don’t we make a deal. Your father and I can show you how we would study for spelling tests and after two weeks if things are not working we can try something else.”

“Hmmmm.”

“Bean, is that a yes?”

“Fine.”

ARGHHHHH!!!

Corinna, she is exhausted, walk away.

My Cranky Monster/Ego is clearly twitching over what success and accomplishment look like - and what I have been taught to value. I was raised with academic success being important it represents hard work, dedication, and perseverance.

Yes, there are many things in this life that can demonstrate those same qualities. And, yes, there is a part of me that wonders whether indoctrinating you (because I can know you can hear Momma’s internal voice on some level) in my inherited values is the best way forward.

This is where I have to trust that all of this is happening just as it should be. I am not in charge of the grand plan. I am doing the best I can. And so are you.

Spelling tests may not appear to be the same as becoming a professional pianist - but they are both opportunities for parents to let their children manage their own lives.

To gently unwrap your arms from around my neck as I tread the waters of this life. To softly give you a gentle push towards swimming on your own.

You are doing great.