Letter to my children - On Sex

Dearest Beloveds, 

When I was growing up I had an anatomy book in which I obsessively reread the reproductive pages. Having a sister, I don’t know if I was obsessed to see the rendering of the male genitalia (so OUT there compared to my discreet slits) or it was seeing the pictures of the tadpole sperm encircle the egg so fanatically. 

The book was very good on XY chromosomes but skipped over the mechanics. I vividly remember walking with Meme when I was 13? Maybe 14?  and her explaining to me that the man’s penis has to get hard in order to enter the vagina, “otherwise it would be like putting a rubber band into a keyhole.” An image that obviously has stuck with me for more than 30 years. 

Mechanics aside, which I am sure your father can do brilliantly, I want to talk to you about choosing sexual partners.  

Here are my recommendations for how to navigate the terrible intersection of hormones, curiosity, peer pressure, and circumstance that encircle the act of sex in my opinion. (Who knows, by the time you have read this - there might be a whole new way of interacting where potential partners are already vetted by a computer algorithm… but in case that is not true here we go. Your mother’s two cents on sleeping with someone for the first time - or the twelfth if you have decided they are not the person for you.).

Try very hard to decouple drinking/drugs from the initial advances. I say this because when I drink too much I black out and usually end up peeing the bed. Your father, well, ask him. Which means, kiddos, that the combination of blacking out and the embarrassment the next morning of a wet bed are really things you want to do with someone who you know, trust, hopefully like/love, and moreover they like/love you. I appreciate you may need to learn your own bodily limits for yourself… but I recommend doing that with good friends without driving as opposed to a basher party where you know only one person and she is in the band and won’t have your back and the party is across town. In those circumstances have one drink, one drink of water, another drink, one drink of water …. And then stay as long as you want before you leave alone.

I found a great article detailing a situation I think happens more often than not.

For years, my female friends and I have spoken, with knowing nods, about a sexual interaction we call “the place of no return.” It is a kind of sexual nuance that most women instinctively understand: the situation you thought you wanted, or maybe you actually never wanted, but somehow here you are and it’s happening and you desperately want out, but you know that at this point exiting the situation would be more difficult than simply lying there and waiting for it to be over. In other words: saying yes when we really mean no.

….

“Women have been taught, by every cultural force imaginable, that we must be ‘nice’ and ‘quiet’ and ‘polite.’ That we must protect others’ feelings before our own. That we are there for others’ pleasure,” said Rachel Simmons, the author of a number of books on girls, including a new one, “Enough as She Is.”

Indeed, women and men learn early that playing hard to get is what’s appealing, and part of that chase is saying “no” — and then ultimately relenting.

As Peggy Orenstein, the author of “Girls & Sex,” puts it, despite educational gains, despite professional ambition, despite all of it, young women still learn that “our bodies exist for male sexual pleasure, that our ‘power’ is in attracting male desire.” Which can make even seemingly straightforward ideas about sex — such as, you know, whether we want to engage in it or not — feel utterly complex.

Holy moly, what are we supposed to do with that? Bean, you have been relegated to the position of pleaser for men’s deranged desires, and Dragon, you are a clueless male who assumes intercourse is okay because nobody has any shirts on. Let us redo this script please. (I am writing this from my perspective as a cisgender heterosexual… please forgive me if that is not where either of you land.)

Bean, please do NOT ever let yourself feel that your worth comes from pleasing others. You are enough just as you are, a beautiful shining child of the Universe, loved by God, your parents, your family, the trees - loving you as you. You are important. You are full of joy. You are enough. You are worthy of your life without having to prove anything to anyone and do anything. You are enough. You are enough.

I remember being able to stop traffic when I wore short dresses, hair down, lipstick red, and I feel that might be your future too. That feeling of power is exhilarating, flirting is fun, playing the dumb blonde to get what you want is a role that you can play - but don’t let that bimbo archetype into the bedroom. Keep her outside and bring your big voice Warrior Bean when you are engaging in sex or relationships. 

The nice thing about bring Warrior Bean into the bedroom is that your partner will quickly learn whether he likes you as you are, as opposed to you playacting a role of something else. Magic happens when you realize you are being yourself and you know the other person likes you as you. Bringing your real self to intimate situations creates a  glorious circle of passion, truth, and discovery.

I will say that again, to both of you, bring your real self into relationships, sexual or otherwise, it is the fastest way to shift the grain from the chaff - for you and them.

Okay my beloved son, your turn. Now I have never been a man… so I will try my best here. Dragon, you are enough. You are important. You are worthy of being with someone you trust. You do not ever need to do anything to please someone else.

Unfortunately, there is a long history of dominant males and powerless females that we are still dismantling energetically and practically. Make sure you are not relieving any of that energy partly because it is supremely tragic, and partly because it puts you in a box. You are allowed to be the one hesitating. You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to feel embarrassed, you are allowed to be befuddled and then suddenly she wants to take off your pants and your brain yells NO!

Equally, perhaps there is a naked woman pressing herself against you, seemingly aroused and excited, but internally her brain is screaming “NO”. Be cognizant that you are bigger than she is and she may feel intimidated by your size. She might not want to embarrass you by stopping or slowing down what is happening. She might feel awkward that she changed her mind. 

What to do? I know this sounds hokey, but is just what I told your sister. Bring your Big Voice to the bedroom. If either one of you feels too shy to talk about what is happening with your potential partner, that is a pretty good indication it might be better to wait a week or a month or never until you feel comfortable having this kind of conversation.

“Yes you can touch my butt. Can I touch your chest?”

“Yes, you may touch my chest, can I suck on your nipple?”

“Yes please suck on my nipple, can I writhe in pleasure while I think of what I want to do next?” 

“Be my guest! Does this feel good?”

“Yes. loverly. Can you suck on my ear?”

“I would love to.”

“Mmmm, that feels amazing.”

“I would like to kiss you for a while and then I think I might have reached my peak of what I feel comfortable doing today.”

“That sounds great.”

Obviously, these are just examples, but to have that level of honesty and trust is a pretty good foundation for sexual intercourse… because after all, having sex with the opposite sex could result in a BABY and that is a big wriggling kettle of fish you may not be ready for.

Speaking of which, please try not to get pregnant till you are at least finished with whatever schooling you are doing. Your father and I also liked that we were a bit older because it meant we had taken full advantage of Tuesday night movies, late Sunday brunches, and impromptu weekend trips - life pleasures that mostly disappear for a fair chunk of active parenthood. I have been told it is a tradeoff of energy (young parents) vs patience (older parents). Who knows, I am sure you two will figure out what is best for you.

In terms of when to start having sex, that too is really up to you. I will say this. The longer you wait the more likely you will be able to have the above conversation. And herpes is a bummer to talk about to future partners, so try to avoid STDS. Your father can weigh in here to give you more medical reasons why those suck. 

It is incredibly weird to write all of this when one of you is still wearing diapers at night and the other one is about to lose her front top tooth. But now you know my thoughts, in case a bus gets me. 

It is an honor and a privilege and a huge joy to be your Momma. I very much hope that I can have this conversation with you in person, reveling in all of your adolescent glory. I can imagine what you will look like, zits and all - but the reality will be so awesome, I know it.

Love, Momma