Letter to my children: Using your Big Voice

Dearest Beloveds,

I am so grateful to Conscious Discipline for teaching me the nomenclature around using one’s Big Voice. Our family has been steeped in this soup since Bean was a baby. According to the Conscious Discipline website, “Shubert’s Big Voice teaches the Skill of Assertiveness…and helps with Conflict Resolution, Self-regulation, Active Calming, Self-Control, Emotional Intelligence, Social Emotional Learning, and the School Family.”

Wow, all of those terms arising from the simple teaching of, “I don’t like it when you do XX, please do XX.”

We get to practice our Big Voices daily.

“Mom! Dragon pushed me!”

“Did you use your Big Voice to tell him how you feel?”

“Dragon, I do not like it when you push me. Please apologize.”

or

“Momma! Bean won’t let me have a turn with the whistle/medal/book/fancy pen!”

“Did you use your Big Voice to tell her how you feel?”

“Bean, I want a turn with the whistle/medal/book/fancy pen. Please can I have a turn when you are finished?”

or

“Mom! I do not want you to cut up the cucumber!! I wanted it whole! You’ve ruined it!”

This is where I usually take my three breaths to listen to the Voice of Love.

“Oh wow, thank you Dragon for using your Big Voice and telling me how you feel. I am sorry I ruined the cucumber.” He needs some food. There is no point in talking to him rationally until he is no longer hungry.

I was recently watching Ari Weinzweig from Zingermans talk about the role of beliefs in business. All of us as children learn our beliefs from our family because we don’t know any better (rather astute). That it is only once we are out in the world and outside of the familial soup that we can begin to question and rethink those inherited beliefs.

Using our Big Voices and respecting the Big Voices of others is important in our house. I hope you agree when you two are older this is a belief you are glad we gave you.

Bean, you were reporting at the breakfast table an interaction at camp. “A was being mean to E and E didn’t like it. She was really upset.”

I chimed in with my line, “Did E use her Big Voice and tell A how she felt?”

“No, I she didn’t.” Then Bean, you paused, and looked up from your pancakes. “I don’t think she knows how Momma. I don’t think she knows about her Big Voice.”

Dragon, you piped in from across the table. “We should teach her!”

“I think that is a great idea.” Then my brain kicked in. “You know, if E never learns how to use her Big Voice it means that other people will use their Big Voices for her. Perhaps she will end up in a situation she doesn’t want.” Now, give them an example they can understand.

“For instance, if you don’t know how to use your Big Voice and someone always gives you blue ice cream and you want pink - would you like that?”

Bean looked aghast. “No, that would be terrible!”

“How about if someone gave you green ice cream and you wanted chocolate? And they used their Big Voice to tell you to eat it?”

Dragon, ever practical, chimed in. “I don’t want someone to give me green ice cream!”

“Right, exactly. That is the issue children. You have to use your Big Voice otherwise people speak for you. You give your power away to others. You are allowing other people to choose your life.”

I take a breath because I can feel my heart rate speed. This is so key, please please get this children.

“There is only one person who knows what is in your belly. Only one person who knows how you feel and what is right or wrong for you in a certain circumstance. That person is you - you with the help of The Good.”

“Right, Momma, because The Good is everywhere and in charge of everything.”

Exactly.

I am using my Big Voice to tell you now and again and always in as many ways as I possibly can - I love you. Being your Momma is teaching me how to be closer to The Good, gives me more strength to use my own Big Voice, and shows me everyday huge love in action. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being my children.