Letter to my children: Ego, The Cranky Monster, and Kundalini

Dearest Beloveds,

Four years ago, I wrote about the importance of spending the early morning with The Good (thank you Mary Magdalene)- and not just once in a week, but on a consistent daily basis to keep you anchored to The Good. Then I did the bone marrow transplant and all self care of that nature flew out the window.

For three months I existed as my body slowly rebuilt. Existed where I ate and slept and dragged myself to the city for appointments. I spent a lot of time watching silly television - fecund soil for my Ego to flourish.

I started calling the Ego the Cranky Monster when the Bean was around 3 as a way to identify that part of yourself that is not Divine. The Cranky Monster shows up when you are tired, hungry, or feeling overwhelmed. As a parent, it is very easy for me to identify and label this - ie the monster shows up consistently every morning when breakfast is late. What was a fun game of ball throwing becomes a yelling tearful mess until blood sugar restores equilibrium.

I am hoping to teach you two to be grateful to the Cranky Monster for showing up and for speaking for that part of yourself that doesn’t use words. but I also want to give you two the tools to make sure your Cranky Monster is not running the show.

After 3 months of sitting on the couch and not meditating my Cranky Monster was running my show.

The Cranky Monster for your mother is the part of my brain telling me I am not worthy, my support system doesn’t exist, my friends are too busy to care about me, your father breathes incorrectly, country living sucks, futzing and flailing over slights real and imagined, on and on - complaining and upset for no good reason.*

Beloveds - life is a circle of rememberings, relearnings, and constant practice of doings - not a linear tower to be climbed. It is a circle where you are constantly being offered chances to forget and then remember to strengthen your spiritual practice - to delve into a deeper layers of the ever-unfolding onion.

Sometimes remembering can take time. I hope this is the longest I will go without remembering - because woah, your Momma was a cranky mess for too long. So once again I am back to my early morning routine of exercise and prayer. We have also incorporated the Fists of Anger Meditation into school time.

“Bean, tell me about amphibians.”

“They are born in the water and then come onto the land to live.”

“Good, so what would be an example of one?”

“A frog.”

“Yes, a frog or a toad or a salamander. So, what are you going to write in your box to help you remember.”

“Water Land”

“Dearest, that makes no sense because all animals drink water and many live on land. How about “born in water, live in both water and land”?”

“Momma, that is TOO MANY WORDS.”

“No it isn’t”

“Yes it is. It is so so many..”

Okay Corinna, this is how it begins. Take a breath. I took a breath. “Okay, what would you want to write that would make it clear what an amphibian is?”

“Water Land.”

I took another breath. For the love of @#%*#@)$!

“Bean, that is confusing. Try again.”

“It is NOT confusing!” You glared at me. Stubbornness suffused the room as we both drew our lines in the sand.

Think think think, what can we do about this. Think Corinna. YES! “Okay, my love. We are going to take a 4 minute break and do the Fists of Anger Meditation.”

Your shoulders dropped. “Really? What’s that?”

Whew, yes. Success.**

We are on day 20 of this and so far so good. Every time I feel myself tighten and shut down the Fists come out.

Constant Vigilance!!

* Tolle writes in A New Earth, “Complaining is one of the ego’s favorite strategies for strengthening itself…Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent other people’s greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they did in the past, what they said, what they failed to do, what they should or shouldn’t have done. The ego loves it. Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others, you make it their identity… Sometimes the “fault” that you perceive isn’t even there. It is a total misinterpretation, a projection by a mind conditioned to see enemies and to make itself right or superior.”

** This might be our saving grace for school time doings.