Letter to my children: Doing what's expected
/Dearest Beloveds,
In so many ways is life both AND. Your Momma is a rebel AND she is scared by not following the rules - especially medical rules and expectations. Both And.
The first time I did not do what was expected of me from the Western Medical Model was when I choose to go to Mexico for treatment.* 15 years ago I spent weeks feeling nauseous and untethered about making the decision.
Whether it was the right decision. Whether it was the wrong decision. Whether the doctors would yell at me. Whether I was gambling with my health.
On and ON and ONNNNNNN.
Recently I had a small dive into that same Busy Bee twitching - this time, I am happy to say it only lasted for about a 5 days. Thank you Fear Muscle.
My heart, my soul, was telling me to stop doing PET scans. This nudge from my soul-voice (such a good phrase) has been getting louder and louder over the years as I have learned more and more about the vagaries of PET scans and their inconclusive results.
Your mother was raised to be a good girl. Good girls follow the rules. Good girls don’t offend. Good girls make good patients. Good patients do what the doctors tell them to do.
Even when it goes against their own intuition.
Well, no more.
Just in time for The House of Mary Magdalene sermon on what it means to be good. Thank you Universe, Good does not mean obedient.
Christ explains the human condition in Mary’s gospel by saying, “The Good came among you, pursuing (the good) which belongs to every nature.” (Mary 3:5)
The Greek word for belong means “to pertain to, and to reside in.” The Good pertains to us, all of us, and the good resides within us, not far, far away when we’ve reached some elusive ideal of what it might mean to be "good” according to someone outside of us.
The Good belongs to every nature. This is important to emphasize: The Good here isn’t earned. The Good belongs to us, within us. The Good is inherent in what it means to be human. It is not performative; we do not have to follow rules created by others, our family even, about what we have to do to be considered “good.” Good does not mean obedient. Good does not mean quiet, docile, submissive. Good does not mean doing what we’re told.
Good refers to the nature, the root, the core of who we are. And if we let it, the fact that we are Good—that truth alone—can transform our entire lives.
Goodness is not performative. We are Good. We do not need to “be good”.
I do not know what forms of expectations you may face in your life. Whether it be to be a good mother, a good friend, a good daughter, a good wife, a good citizen, or a good patient. I just want you to know, TO KNOW, that unless you are being unsafe to yourself or someone else - the majority of the expectations (boxes, we could say) our society has cobbled together around the term “good” are total Cranky Monster bullshit.**
Listen to your own heart first in any situation and then move on from that place to action in any relationship with another person or system.
Please please please do not live a life of other people’s expectations.
That is their life.
Not yours.
No matter what.
* If you haven’t read your Momma’s book by now children, this might be the time. Certain parts might make you cringe (ARGH, my Mom is talking about her orgasms, YUCK.) but otherwise, it is all part of the tale.
** Shoutout to Rebel Girls and Good Girls Don’t Make History for dismantling the connotations around what being “good” means.
